I seem to have lost my confidence this year. When I started this blog and my journey to becoming an author, I did so with great gumption, but slowly that dreadful thing called doubt has crept up on me. There are days when I think my writing is worse now than when I started out. That the more I learn, the less I know. I sometimes think wouldn't it be great to go back to that carefree way of writing when I didn't worry, I just did!
The gumption has become gloopy. It's partly down to personal circumstance. A lot has happened this year and when you have other worries it's hard for writing to become a priority. It's also to do with confidence. That fickle thing that can wane so magnificently when you're a writer, knowing at some point we have to share our work with the rest of the world.
I've already had mixed reports about my manuscript and the ones I'm fixated on are the less positive, despite there being more compliments than criticism. There's something about wanting the MS to be perfect even though it would never be possible to please every reading palate. I haven't got to the point of approaching agents etc. because of my gloopy gumption, which anyone who knows me is a most unlikely attribute for me to have acquired.
Which is why it was nice to be reminded of that the other day when my brother popped over. He wanted an update on what was happening with the book. I told him everything that had happened up to now and when I told him I was reluctant to send it out, he said, 'The worse they can say is NO!'
Ah, yes, he has a point. Don't you hate it when brothers do that? I really hope he doesn't read this or I'll never hear the end of it. When he put it like that it seemed silly to be hesitating. Rejections can't hurt in the same way real life issues can, so why have I found myself crippled into believing I'm not good enough. How will I ever know if I don't go for it? So, even though I still have decorating to do, I have vowed to start getting out there a bit more and start submitting my MS.
Oh, and at some point, I don't know when or where I found it, but I seem to have regained that good old gumption. Let's hope it's here to stay!